Guys are woefully stupid, selfish, short-sighted and smelly. I had my suspicions, but these are confirmed by reading the cacophony of single female bloggers who go to great lengths keep us aware of how downright awful men are.

Yes, dudes – wise up: There are an army of women who write about their dating life, occasionally in confronting and possibly libellous detail. The general consensus seems to be that men are awful and if they weren’t required for snuggling, Valentine’s day presents and baby-making, the world would be better off without them.

Like a football supporter, I want to barrack for my team and respond with a list of the failings of any women I’ve known, to make sweeping and negative generalisations about an entire gender and then struggle to explain why I am still obsessed with them; but another opportunity presents itself.

This will be the first in a series of response blogs – call them the voice of mankind, which is drastically under-represented on the internet. Starting with:

Chelsea Black’s ‘Weak Arse Excuses List‘

“So here is the thing; no matter how amazing you are (and you are amazing my precious) at some point you will be subjected to some or all of the excuses on this list. Yes all men havea list. Excuses they will use when they mess up or want to break up.”

It appears to be a list of reasons that Chelsea or her close friends have heard to break up with someone or to excuse cheating on them. This is Chelsea’s 22nd entry in her impressive 30 blogs in 30 days challenge; which of late has become a long (and humorous) litany of how terrible men are.

We don’t have a list – not written down anyway. We have usually developed a habit of finding nice ways to communicate not nice things to women, because communicating not nice things bluntly, like how your arse looks in that, is usually greeted with screaming and tears. Men hate screaming and tears (particularly the unpredictable kind), so we develop ways to avoid it. Telling you something that hints at the truth while deftly avoiding saying anything negative is a skill that a clever man has usually mastered by age 25. This habit makes your list quite easy to translate:

1) I’m not ready for something serious

When a man says this it means:

“I want to be able to have sex with other women, get paralytic and spew and play Xbox with my mates. “

For a man ‘serious’ equals monogamy, responsibility and less time doing fun things. It also means a commitment to continue in this fashion, which can often be the heaviest burden.

He knows it’s ridiculous to hope, otherwise he’d say it, but he knows that it is unlikely that you’ll say: “Monogamy, commitment? Hell, neither do I! You should still have sex with other women, and that doesn’t mean we can’t hang out and have sex and you can still chill with your mates or play Xbox and do all the stuff you enjoyed doing that you aren’t allowed to do now that we’re together and getting all serious.”

He also knows that if he said each of his concerns one by one, you’d say “You can still play Xbox” and “You can still go drinking with your mates” and “I don’t want to be a burden on your life!” and then “Well if that’s the way you see me…” and then get really upset and cry at him.

This is his way of saying it all in code.

2) I can’t love you in the way you deserve to be loved

When a man says this it means:

“I am not into you as much as you appear to be into me.”

You are probably hearing this because you were really, really nice to him, and snuggled with him and made ‘Mmm’ sounds and said ‘I feel so comfortable with you’ and made passing comments about things you could do together that are too far into the future.

As a general rule, don’t mention any event that occurs further from now than now is from when you got together. If you’ve known him a week, you can only talk about next week. And you can only talk about next year if you’ve been with him for a year. Yes, this does make imagining the future and planning your life difficult, because it’s always fun to share pipe dreams with people, but if you slip up you’re screwed.

Don’t mention it in passing, not even as a tester. He will play it cool but his blood will surge and he’ll start to freak the hell out.

3) I don’t want to get addicted

When a man says this it means either:

“I am falling in love with you and that is quite scary for me”

or…

“I am unoriginal and pathetic”

Hopefully it’s the former. It is quite possibly both. Guys are socially and biologically programmed for promiscuity, and when we find ourselves obsessing over one woman, it scares us. Guys will know the signs of becoming loved up:

1. You think about her when you wank
2. You tune out of conversations, and chime back in with a totally random thought about her which has nothing to do with the conversation
3. You don’t even look at other girls
4. You can turn down offers of sex with attractive strangers without a second thought

4) It’s too soon

When a man says this it means:

“I am still constantly thinking about my ex-girlfriend and comparing every one of your shortcomings to her amazingness while happily indulging in everything excellent about you, and forgetting all the terrible things about her; and I am realising how wrong that is and/or my ex hinted that we might have a chance together when she heard that I’d moved on.”

Thankfully this guy is unaware that the moment he is single again, his ex will just dick him around again. On the upside, it probably means his ex considers you to be equal or superior to her, and you hooking up with her ex-boyfriend has suddenly increased his value. Nice. No, not really I guess. Depends how you look at it.

5) She wouldn’t leave me alone

When a man says this it means:

“She wouldn’t leave me alone”

She could take any guy home. And tonight, she's taking your boyfriend.

You don’t get it, girls. You get approached all day long. You don’t even realise how often you’re getting hit on because to you it all just seems normal by now, that guys would open doors and make banter and not expect anything else. They don’t expect, but they still hope for a quick and confusing fuck in the confectionery aisle of Tesco or a hand-job from a nurse while they’re in hospital for appendicitis.

And they hope and dream for a day where a girl will hit on them.

When that happens, and the situation is right, almost every man will do it. The variables to the perfect situation are: She is unknown to him or a long term project (someone he’s wanted to screw for years); she is at least moderately attractive; things between you and he are bad, or at least boring; it is easy (she lives around the corner and is clear that she just wants sex); and the chances of being caught are minimal. If these conditions are right, 95% of men will cheat. True story.

Men who disagree with this are not the 5%, they are the liars who don’t even need these criteria to be met to cheat on you, they just do it for fun, all the time. They are disagreeing because they are presenting a strong and principled façade to keep you deceived. Pricks.

The measure of a man is not whether he will cheat, it’s exactly how extreme each one of these variables must be before he breaks. A fat slut in a car park = loser. Saying no to a naked doorstop visit from Halle Berry, after having an argument with you = Gay. Very, very gay.

And yes, Chelsea, these women who hit on men do exist. They are usually a totally normal girl who’s going out for a crazy weekend. They spot a guy who is having fun and seems like a bit of a challenge and they hit on him, quite openly, aggressively, and make it clear that they just want sex. It does happen – but very rarely, and that’s what makes it so difficult to refuse.

6) She needs me. You don’t.

Means… Well Chelsea got it: “It makes them feel redundant.” She also probably gives great head and is new and therefore more exciting. Don’t worry, this guy was an asshole before. Two timing is a prick thing to do.

7) I’m not good enough for you

When a man says this it means:

“You keep trying to change me”

He was a loser/stoner/gamer/alcoholic/unemployed/fat shit before you met him, and presumably you wanted him to not be a walking turd any more. I have written about this at length in a blog that I consider to be quite funny “Dear Sis: Don’t try to change men” the gist is this: He was happy with how he was, or perhaps he was unhappy, but he doesn’t like you constantly nagging him for his own good. It makes him hate the sound of your voice and know that he can’t complain about it because he also knows you’re right, he should try to be a better person.

Move on, and find a guy who already is the way you want him to be.

8) I need to work on me and my money

When a man says this it means:

“I love me”

Perhaps you weren’t supporting his get rich quick schemes, or perhaps he actually is becoming rich and wants to upgrade to some top-quality coke whores that will go with his fancy new sports car. He’s a narcissist and proud of it, and you aren’t doting, complimentary and agreeable enough.

9) The disappearing act

When a man says this it means:

Nothing.

It leaves the sad words unspoken, the lies untold, the tears un-shed and in doing so, the door might remain open. It’s cowardly, but also quite useful – because you never broke up. It’s also a preferred method of escape from a girl who is prone to screaming, because we suspect that a confrontation might lead to clothes getting burned, a blog appearing on the internet or a knife appearing in the throat.

But your descriptions, of leaving someone mid-meal – that’s just weird. A very scared or very cowardly man does this.

And why is it that a guy who bails on a dinner date is an asshole (agreed) but when a woman does it, it’s funny?